Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
