You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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