I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
