When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
