I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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