trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
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the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
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My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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