last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
