So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
