apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
