I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
