I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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