I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
