so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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