I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
