too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
there is another microwave in the elevator.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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