They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Watching her eat just hurts me
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We have so much sex to catch up on
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
