I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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