once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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