so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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