1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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