She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
