I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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