I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
