I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
