Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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