I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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