I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
