whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
