They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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