I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Such a big mess for such a small penis
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
