haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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