My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
