just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Pants are for mortals
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
