I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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