as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
