i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
