He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
