i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
