Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
