i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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