I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Buhtt sex?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
