I want to make a zoo with you.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
