i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
