i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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