I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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