I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
