He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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