yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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