The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
