my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
