I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
