i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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