either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
