we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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