just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
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Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
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My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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