I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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