I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
