you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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