i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
