It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
