I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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