I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
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He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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