Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
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