dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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