i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Couch. On fire.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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